NOT HAVING THE GREATEST TIME OF ALL TIME???????

Honestly seems weird.

Just think about it.

YOU (a.k.a. T.G.H.B.O.A.T. a.k.a. "the greatest human being of all time") not having the greatest time of all time?????????

well, don't worry ...

turns out you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so "man (or woman) up" and prepare to enjoy life forever for all time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(feels like everything in the future is okay, or at least like we have a chance to make it a better place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh god, i mean it guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! feel honestly embarassed saying this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i can hear a strange noise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!nothing to do with what i've been typing about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!has there been a murder???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????no way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(i guess)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111)

SPORTS!!!!!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH................................................................................................................................................................

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STRESS PROBLEMS????!!!!

OH NO!!!!!



STRESSED OUT???!!!

BLURRY MOUSTACHE MEN MAKING YOUR HEAD HURT???!!! (CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO EXPERIENCE A BLURRY MOUSTACHE MAN!!!!!!!!!!)

WORK MAKING YOU ALL 'STRESSY'???!!!!

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RELAX!!!!



HAHAHAHA! EVERYTHING IS FINE!!!!

WHAT WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE??!!

I BET IT WAS SILLY!

YOU BIG SILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW GO AND EAT A PEAR OR A CHOCOLATE COATED KIWI FRUIT!!!!!

FLY A KITE IN YOUR OFFICE!!

DANCE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THESE GUYS MEAN BUSINESS!!!

THIS CHIMP IS READING YOUR RESUMÉ!
OH!

HE MEANS BUSINESS!!

WOW THIS COCKEREL WANTS YOU TO COMPLIMENT HIS NEW TIE!
QUICK! COMPLIMENT HIS TIE!!!
HE MEANS BUSINESS!!


GOSH THIS BIG HUNGRY CAT PUSHED IN FRONT OF YOU IN THE CANTEEN QUEUE!!
KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT THOUGH!!
HE MEANS SERIOUS BUSINESS!!!!



THIS TERRIFIC SWAN HAS SOME SHORT QUESTIONS HE WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU!!
MAKE SURE YOU ANSWER IN A PROFESSIONAL WAY!!
HE REALLY MEANS BUSINESS!!!!!



THIS SEXY LIGHTBULB WANTS YOU TO KNOW THAT SHE IS A SEXY LIGHTBULB!!
"HERE I AM" SHE IS SAYING!!!!
SHE MEANS SO MUCH BUSINESS!!!


HEY GUESS WHAT!!
YOU CAN MEAN BUSINESS TOO!!!


JUST REMEMBER
ALWAYS MAKE IT YOUR BUSINESS TO MEAN BUSINESS!!

NEW YEAR NEW YOU NEW EARS NEW YEAR!!!

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!!!

WHEN THE YEAR IS OLD AND WE NEARLY HAVE A NEW ONE!!!

WHAT HAS HAPPENED THIS YEAR!!!

WHAT HAVE WE ALL ACHIEVED!!!

IT'S THE END OF A DECADE!!!

THE DECADE DECAYED UNTIL IT WAS THE END OF THE DECADE!!!

WE HAVE ALL LEARNT ABOUT EACH OTHER AND LEARNT TO LOVE EACH OTHER!!!

MONOCLES ARE COMING BACK INTO FASHION BECAUSE OF THE FUTURE ETC!!!

SEXUALITY IS POWERALITY

Everyone get naked!!!

Oh yeah!!!

Shake it all about!!!

If you can seduce anyone then you can do anything!!!

Get your make-up on!!!

THIS IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE WITH ME AND OUR TROPHY!!!

YES!!!!

YOU ARE YOU!

THERE IS NOBODY BETTER THAN YOU!!!

ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!!!!!!

YES!!!!!!!!!!!

100 WINNING RESUMES!!!!!

K IS FOR KILL SOMEBODY IF THEY DESERVE IT!

K IS FOR KILL SOMEBODY IF THEY DESERVE IT!



YOU MIGHT NOT THINK MURDERING IS POSITIVE, BUT IT IS!



MURDERING IN A CLEVER WAY CAN BE UPLIFTING!


DO NOT LEAVE ANY CLUES AND YOU WILL OUTWIT LAW ENFORCEMENT! SUPERIORITY!



IF SOMEBODY DESERVES TO BE TAKEN OUT THEN DO IT!



USE A GUN OR A KNIFE! USE A ROPE! USE POISON OR A RABID SQUIRREL! USE A BLUNT OBJECT SUCH AS A CEMENT GNOME OR A VERY OLD CAKE!



SO MANY OPTIONS FOR KILLING!



IS YOUR BOSS A CUNTWHORE LIKE MINE? IS YOUR WIFE 'BUMMING YOU OUT'? DO YOU KNOW A CHILD WHO MAKES FACES AT YOU FOR NO GOOD REASON?



KILL THEM!



KILLING IS NOT JUST FOR CRIMINALS! ANYBODY CAN KILL! BE SURE TO KILL ONLY THE DESERVING OR YOU WON'T GO TO HEAVEN!



YAY K IS FOR KILL SOMEBODY IF THEY DESERVE IT!

TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!!

MAKE YOURSELF MORE POPULAR BY HAVING AN EXTENDED HIATUS!!!

THEN RETURN WITH A SELF-REFERRENTIAL FLOURISH!!!

SING AND SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS ABOUT YOUR DOMINANCE AND ELAN!!!

YOU ARE THE DRAGON AND THE REST OF THE WORLD IS YOUR PREY!!!

EAT THEM AND RETURN TO THE ETERNAL LAND OF YOUR FATHER!!!

YOU ARE A WINNER!!!

RECIPE FOR SUCCESS!!!

YOU HAVE PROBABLY HEARD OF 'THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS' (BATTERED CORNFLAKES), YOU'VE MAYBE COME ACROSS 'DINNER FIT FOR A KING' (FRIED MOUSE LIVER), AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL YOU'VE EVER EVEN READ ABOUT 'THE SUPPER OF FOOLS' (SOUP PIE)!!!!

NOW TRY MY RECIPE FOR SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S DELICIOUS!! (NOTE: NOT REAL MEAL)

INGREDIENTS!!! :

X 1 TABLESPOON OF GET UP AND GO
X 3 GRAMS OF SEIZE THE DAY
X 1 CUP OF AMAZING
X 3 SLICES OF BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE
X 1 KG OF RUTHLESS AMBITION
X 7 BOWLS OF EXCELLENCE
X 1 BOTTLE OF SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
X 1 TIN OF SUPPRESSED FURY
PASTA (OPTIONAL)

STIR INTO OBLIVION AND LEAVE TO SIMMER FOR UP TO 65 YEARS!!!!!!

SERVE HOT!! (PLEASE DO NOT EAT)

HOLY CHRIST THIS THING IS THE BEST THING EVER!!!

cascading blades to the eyes: no blinking from spinytreelobster on Vimeo.


WONDERFUL WINNER CRISPIN DID IT!!!

HE IS MY HERO!!!

EVERYONE SHOULD GIVE HIM £5 FOR THE PLEASURE OF WATCHING THIS FILM!!!

HE IS A SUPERSTAR!!!

GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY!!!

I MEAN IT!!!

FOLLOW THESE LINKS TO WINNERS

I AM A WINNER!!!

I AM ALSO A WINNER!!!

I AM THE THIRD WINNER!!!

TOUCH ME, I AM A WINNER!!!

WATCH ME WIN!!!

I AM THE ULTIMATE WINNER!!!

"JUST ABOUT!"

THIS IS YOUR NEW REPLY!

THIS IS WHAT YOU SAY, FROM NOW ON, WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING!

***

"JASON, CAN YOU GO OVER THERE AND FETCH ME THE ENVELOPES?"

"JUST ABOUT!"

"HELEN, WHERE ARE THE NEW FAXES? WHY ARE THEY NOT ON MY DESK?"

"JUST ABOUT!"

"COME HERE."

"JUST ABOUT!"

"WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?"

"JUST ABOUT!"

"OH ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

***

SEE?

YOU ARE VERY CLEVER!

YOU CAN DO ALL THAT IS EXPECTED OF YOU AND MORE!

YOU CAN REPLY WITH A WRY SARCASM!

YOU ARE HUMOUROUS AND EFFICIENT!!!

EVERYONE IS LAUGHING WITH YOU!!!

YOU ARE NOW THE JIM CAREY OF YOUR OFFICE!!!!!

LOVE TIP

SEE SOMEONE YOU LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM???

FOLLOW THEM UNTIL THEY FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!

TRY AND BE LIKE THEIR SHADOW!!!

THEN KISS THEM!!!

IT IS GUARANTEED ROMANCE!!!

J IS FOR JUMP!

J IS FOR JUMP!



WHEN EVERYBODY LEAST EXPECTS IT....JUMP!



TAKE A GIANT LEAP INTO THE AIR! FILL YOUR LUNGS WITH SKY AND EXCLAIM THINGS IN A LOUD FASHION!



IT IS A THING OF BEAUTY!!



LATE FOR WORK? JUMP!

MAKING MASHED POTATOES? JUMP!

JUMP!

JUMP!

JUMP!

IF YOU SAY IT ENOUGH, IT CEASES TO HOLD ANY MEANING!

KRISS KROSS MAKES YOU WANNA JUMP AS WELL!

ONLY JUMP IF YOU ARE SO INCLINED! NOBODY SHOULD FORCE YOU TO JUMP!

JUMP FOR FREEDOM AND CHANGE!

YAY FOR JUMP!

CHEER UP!!!!

CHEER UP, YOU DONUT!!!

YOU CAN ALWAYS COME BACK TO BEING SAD!
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GOING ANYWHERE!!



TIP OF THE DAY:

THINK MASSIVE THOUGHTS!!!

THINK ABOUT KICKING AN AEROPLANE TO DEATH!
THINK ABOUT PEELING AN ELEPHANT!
THINK ABOUT PUNCHING A VOLCANO'S FACE CLEAN OFF!

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!
YOU'RE ALLOWED!!


YOU BELONG HERE!
WE TRUST YOU!
YOU BELONG HERE!
WE WILL SUPPORT YOU!
YOU BELONG HERE!
WE TRUST YOU!
YOU BELONG HERE!

CHEER UP!!!

VISUAL TIPS FOR ULTRA SUCCESS

NOW GET OUT THERE AND SHOW THEM WHAT YOU GOT!!!

INVENT A NEW LANGUAGE!!!

WRITING AND THINKING IN A NORMAL HUMAN LANGUAGE IS BORING - DON'T DO IT!!!

SPEND A MONTH INVENTING A NEW AND EXCITING LANGUAGE!!!

IT IS NOT A WASTE OF TIME, IT IS A VALUABLE ACTIVITY!!!

IF YOU CREATE A NEW LANGUAGE, YOUR THOUGHTS AND WORDS WILL BE INFINITELY CREATIVE AND NOT CONSTRAINED BY THE PROBLEMS THAT BLIGHT OUR HUMAN AND BORING SOCIETY!!!

HUY GUTURQ MO HAPPO IL; CONQUANDO GORDE LITVAH!!!

JOKI NOOBUR121 ILL &^&^JJ CON MUSTO GUSTO PUSTO RUSTO!!!

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW LIFE OF SUCCESS!!!

UNEMPLOYED???

GET A JOB!!!

BE EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME!!

THE ARMY SAY YOU SHOULD "BE ALL YOU CAN BE", I SAY...THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!!!!!!

BE ALL YOU CAN'T BE AS WELL!!!!

BE ALL YOU HAVEN'T EVER CONSIDERED BEING!!!

BE ALL OF THE POKEMON...AT THE SAME TIME!!

BE PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING, AND IF NOTHING IS HAPPENING, PREPARE YOURSELF FOR SOMETHING!!!! A. B. P. ALWAYS BE PREPARING!!!

BE A MAJESTIC SUPER-EAGLE OF LOVE SOARING ABOVE A SEETHING HERD OF HATE-CATTLE

BE A TALL, IMPOSING, FROSTY MOUNTAIN OF CALM IN THE SWIRLING FIRESTORM OF EVERYDAY PANIC!!!!!??!!!

BE MY, BE MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BB KING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU FEEL UPSET IT IS YOUR BODY TELLING YOU TO CONQUER SOMEBODY!!!

GO OUT THERE AND CONQUER SOMEONE!!!

DOMINATE THEM IF YOU CAN!!!

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO IS ALWAYS CONQUER EVERYONE!!!

DON'T LET THEM WALK ALL OVER YOU - WALK ALL OVER THEM!!!

CONQUERING SOMEONE MAKES YOU SMILE - OH YEAH - HOT STUFF!!!

I IS FOR "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!"

I IS FOR, "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!"

USE THIS PHRASE WHENEVER YOU FEEL LESS THAN HUMAN! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL GRAND!

"I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD!" IS A PHRASE YOU CAN SHOUT FROM A LYING POSITION OR FROM THE TOP OF A MEDIUM SIZED STAIRCASE, OR DURING THE SLOW PART OF A ROMANTIC MOVIE! (DON'T WORRY, NOBODY WILL MIND, BECAUSE OF ALL YOUR ENTHUSIASM!"

USING THIS PHRASE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SPECTACULAR! EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT THE KING OF ANYTHING AT ALL! EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT THE KING OF BEER OR OFFICE PRODUCTS!

I LEARNED THIS PHRASE ONE DAY WHEN I WAS RIDING ON A STEAMSHIP IN THE NORTHERN ATLANTIC! I HAD JUST FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A RUFFIAN SCALLYWAG AND HE HELD MY ARMS OUT WHILE WE SAILED AT THE FRONT OF THE SHIP WITH THE OCEAN STRETCHED OUT IN FRONT OF US LIKE OUR HOPEFUL FUTURE TOGETHER!

"I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD!" WE SHOUTED, LEAVING OUR CARES BEHIND US!

YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR CARES BEHIND YOU AS WELL!

SHOUT THIS PHRASE FROM THE ROOFTOPS! YOU WILL BE AN ULTIMATE WINNER!

YAY FOR "I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD!"

NEVER TELL ANYONE HOW ARE YOU FEELING!!!

EMOTIONS ARE TENDER AND PRIVATE!!!

DON'T BORE EVERYONE WITH HOW MISERABLE YOU ARE!!!

ALWAYS WALK AROUND WITH A BEAMING SMILE ON YOUR FACE!!!

YOU WILL SUCCEED IF YOU ARE SMILING!!!

KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS BOTTLED UP UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO EXPLODE!!!

THEN EXPLODE!!!

EMOTIONS ARE BORING!!!

YOU WILL NOT CATCH CHOLERA!

THERE IS LITTLE TO RELATIVELY NO CHANCE OF YOU CATCHING CHOLERA!!!

YES,

"YOU"!!

THE CHANCES OF YOU CATCHING CHOLERA ARE TINY!!!!

THE CHANCES OF YOU CATCHING CHOLERA ARE LAUGHABLE!!!


LAUGH AT THE CHANCES! LAUGH AT CHOLERA!! LAUGH!!!


YOU WILL NOT CATCH CHOLERA

SO


YOU CAN AFFORD TO BE FREE AND EASY!!!!

ULTRA INCREDIBLE AND UPLIFTING MUSICAL WONDER!!!

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A MUSIC!!!

I HAVE ONE RIGHT HERE!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!

IT IS A SONG THAT FEATURES THESE WORDS!!!

I MADE IT WITH THIS OTHER AMAZING AND POWERFUL GUY!!!

IT IS A LABOUR OF LOVE!!!

IT HAS BEEN CREATED WITH A CAREFUL HAND AND SPECIAL KEYBOARD!!!

IT IS SO VERY SPECIAL!!!

ALWAYS GIVE PEOPLE A TREAT!!!

THIS IS A HAPPY EV EVENING!!!!! ;OIKGY5OU6

HELLO!!! WE ALL LOVE EACH OTHER!!!!

WHY AM I NOT LONELY?! BECAUSE I AM SITTING WITH TWO OTHER 'HOT, GREAT GUYS', (AND I FEEL LIKE A WONDERFUL WINNING CHAP!!! OH, GOD!!! ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM?!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

NO-ONE HAD TO TAKE PANTS OFF, BUT WE DID, AS THE SMITHS PLAYED!!!

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR MY PANTS FALL OFF!!!

(I HAD TO GO INTO THE TOILET SECRETLY AND WANK INTO MY HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS THAT HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

THE BLACK SPIDER OF DOUBT SCUTTLED OUT AND WE BURNT IT TO DEATH WITH THE CIGARETTE LIGHTER OF HOPE! WE HAVE ALL BAREFEET AND A SEXY NEW ATTITUDE OF HOPE!

"VERY NICE," WE ALL SAID, FOR AGES, AS 'HOT CHAPS'. 

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WE ARE HAVING A NICE TIME, FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM A LONELY LITTLE CHAP, HAVING A LOVELY TIME.FFFERTFDJKIIRTYOKIJUHYFTRD5 E5DETC MNKBIJGUY87;[P

 .MLBJOU70 1 0 1427887,4embnv87j6cv bnmew4r56gt78iuo9k87bv bghyjukr45g8ik9op;[

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H IS FOR "HELP SOMEONE"

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE??????!



THIS CHILD IS 'HELPING SOMEONE'!!!!!

'HELPING' PEOPLE IS THE BEST FEELING EVER!!! IT'S LIKE FLYING THROUGH THE SKY WITH ROCKET BOOTS!!! OR STANDING UP TOO QUICKLY AND HAVING A HEAD RUSH.....IN SPACE!!!!!

IF YOU FEEL DOWN AND NOTHING ELSE WILL CHEER YOU UP...HELP SOMEONE!!! HELP AN OLD LADY WITH HER SHOPPING!!! HELP AN OLD MAN RUN HIS BONZAI TREE SHOP!!! HELP A CHILD GET TO GRIPS WITH THE CONCEPT OF LIFE AND DEATH BY EXPLAINING IT USING THEIR FAVOURITE TOYS AS PROPS!!!!!

WHEN SOMEONE HAS A DIFFERENT OPINION TO YOURS ON SOMETHING....HELP THEM SEE THEY ARE WRONG!!!!

IF YOU DON'T HELP SOMEONE...WHO WILL???!!!!!!

G IS FOR "GO FOR IT!"

ALWAYS "GO FOR IT!" AT ALL TIMES!

WHEN YOU ARE AT A QUEUE IN THE TESCO EXPRESS, DON'T JUST STAND THERE IN LINE LOOKING DOWN AT YOUR BASKET OR AT THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU ... "GO FOR IT!"

WHEN YOU ARE AT HOME, BY YOURSELF, LOOKING AT THE INTERNET, DON'T JUST CLICK ON THE PAGES AND FEEL MILDY DEPRESSED ... "GO FOR IT!!"

WHEN YOU ARE IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE, SOCIALLY AWKWARD SITUATION (SILENCE, A BLIND DATE, BEING FELT UP, VISITING A SICK RELATIVE, ETC.), DON'T JUST LET THE SITUATION UNFOLD ...

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?!

THAT'S RIGHT!

"GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!"

F IS FOR "FLOUNDER"

FLOUNDERING IS SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULD (AND CAN!) AVOID!

AND I DO NOT MEAN ACTING LIKE THE FISH WHICH HAS THE NAME "FLOUNDER"!!

WHEN YOU ARE FLOUNDERING YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL AND YOU HAVE LOST YOUR BALANCE AND ARE FLOPPING AROUND TRYING TO REGAIN IT!

I SUPPOSE THE FISH THAT HAVE THE NAME "FLOUNDER" DO SOMETIMES FLOUNDER AROUND

THEY FLOP ON THE GROUND UNTIL YOU KILL THEM!

DON'T FLOUNDER AND DON'T BE LIKE A "FLOUNDER"!

SPEND YOUR TIME DOING ACTIVE PROACTIVE ACTIVITIES THE LIKES OF WHICH THE FISH "FLOUNDERS" CAN ONLY DREAM OF!

SUCH AS SUCCESSFULLY GOING FOOD SHOPPING!
OR FALLING IN LOVE SUCCESSFULLY!
OR HAVING A WATCH!

REMEMBER: FLOUNDERING IS THE ENEMY!
BUT ENEMIES ARE AVOIDABLE!
LIKE THE OLDER CHILDREN WHO WOULD BULLY YOUR GENITALS AT SCHOOL
YOU AVOIDED THEM DIDN'T YOU! YES YOU DID!!
I AM SURE YOU CAN AND WILL AVOID FLOUNDERING!!!

E IS FOR EXERCISE

WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO SLEEP, BLINK A LOT--IT WILL WORK OUT YOUR FOREHEAD!

INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT SOMEONE ON THE BUS FOR FIFTEEN STRAIGHT SECONDS, LOOK AT THEM THREE SEPARATE TIMES--IT WILL WORK OUT YOUR NECK AND MAKE YOUR NECK STRONG ENOUGH TO HELP YOU QUICKLY AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH OTHERS ON THE BUS!

TAPE A REALLY HEAVY BOOK TO THE BACK OF YOUR RIGHT AND LEFT HAND--YOU WILL LOOK SMART AND ALSO GROW BIG ARMS!

IF YOU SEE SOMEONE SLEEPING, CARRY THEM AROUND WHILE THEY SLEEP--IT WILL MAKE YOUR BICEPS BIG SO WHEN YOU ARE ALONE IN YOUR ROOM YOU CAN PUNCH YOUR OWN FACE HARDER!

WALK UP AND DOWN THE HALL WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO--IT WILL MAKE YOUR LEGS STRONGER AND IT WILL ALSO KEEP THE DARKNESS IN THE HALLWAY STIRRED AND KEEP IT FROM SETTLING!

YOUR TIE!!

LOOK AT THIS:


THIS IS YOUR SPECIAL TIE!

IT SYMBOLISES VIRILITY (YOUR PENIS/VAGINA)!!

IT SYMBOLISES THE WINNING POTENTIAL INSIDE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US (THE LOVELY SILK LINING)!!!

BUT ...

IT ALSO LOOKS A BIT LIKE A FISH SWIMMING AROUND ON YOUR TUMMY!!!!!!!

SEE?! YOUR TIE CAN BE FUN, TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOUR NEW THEME SONG!

SING THIS EVERY MORNING
ON YOUR WAY TO WINNING AT SUCCESS!!


#MY LIFE IS AMAZING#
#I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS AND WHITE FRIENDS#
#THEY ASK MY OPINION ABOUT THINGS#
#FOR EXAMPLE THEIR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS#
#OR WHAT HAIRCUT THEY SHOULD GET#
#I TELL THEM THIS:#
#MY LIFE IS AMAZING#
#YOU NEED TO LIVE LIFE#
#OR LIFE WILL PASS YOU BY#
#YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE LIFE TO LIVE#
#YOUR LIFE WON'T LIVE ITSELF#
#WHOA-OH#
#MY FRIEND'S RESPECT ME#
#AND THEY APPRECIATE ME#
#AND THEY VALUE MY OPINION#
#AND THEY THINK I AM TALENTED#
#MY LIFE IS AMAZING#
#AND SOMETIMES I FEEL OK#

(x 50)

D IS FOR DO GOOD THINGS!

D IS FOR DO GOOD THINGS!

PET A THREE-LEGGED DOG!

GIVE YOUR HALF-FINISHED FRAPPUCCINO TO A BLIND BEGGAR LADY!

TELL A MOTHER HER CHILD IS DELICIOUSLY ADORABLE EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK IT LOOKS LIKE JOHN BELUSHI!

TAKE YOUR FRIEND'S LONELY WIDOWED MOTHER TO THE PROM!

THESE ARE JUST SOME OF THE DO GOOD THINGS YOU CAN INCORPORATE INTO YOUR DAILY ROUTINE!

NOT ONLY WILL YOU FEEL GOOD IN DOING THEM, BUT YOU WILL SPREAD JOY TO OTHERS AROUND YOU!

IT'S A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD!

YAY FOR DO GOOD THINGS!

DON'T BE 'LISTLESS'!!!!

MAKE A LIST!!

IT'S AN EASY AND CHEAP WAY TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS!!!

WANT INSTANT FULFILMENT?!

JUST WRITE DOWN THE THINGS YOU ALREADY DID TODAY AND THEN CROSS THEM OFF!!!!!!!!!!

SEE?!!

JUST LOOK AT THAT LOVELY LIST OF THINGS YOU DID TODAY, ALL CROSSED OFF!!

YOU REALLY ARE A SPECIAL AND CAREFUL ONE, AREN'T YOU?!?!!!?!!?!!! (IF YOU DON'T WATCH OUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU A GIGANTIC HIGH-FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

YOU TOO CAN LEARN TO SLEEP!!!

FEELING TIRED AND RUN DOWN?

DON'T WORRY THERE IS AN EASY CURE!!!

CLOSE YOUR TIRED EYES AND THINK OF HAPPY TIMES!!!

A DAY BY THE LAKE!!!

RUNNING WITH FATHER!!!

MAKING A CANDLE AT THE MUSEUM!!!

A WARM AND GENTLE BLANKET!!!

BEING A WINNER!!!

ARE YOU FEELING YOURSELF DRIFT OFF? ARE YOUR TROUBLES SAYING GOODBYE?

YOU ARE FALLING ASLEEP!!!

FALL ASLEEP!!!

C IS FOR CONSTANTLY BE A WINNER

C IS FOR CONSTANTLY BE A WINNER!!!

IF YOU ARE ALWAYS A WINNER YOU WILL CONSTANTLY BE A WINNER!!!

YOU CAN ACHIEVE THIS WITH HIDDEN AND SPECIAL SKILLS!!!

IF THERE IS SOMETHING ATTACKING YOUR HEAD YOU CAN DUCK!!! THIS IS A HIDDEN AND SPECIAL SKILL!!!

IF THERE IS AN ENEMY ATTACKING YOUR HANDS YOU CAN SPIN AROUND AND WIN LIKE THAT!!! THIS IS A HIDDEN AND SPECIAL SKILL!!!

ALWAYS THINK ON YOUR FEET!!!

YOU ARE CONSTANTLY BEING A WINNER!!!

HAVE A SUCCESS!!!

B IS FOR BLOOD!

B IS FOR BLOOD!

WITHOUT BLOOD WE’D ALL BE PALE CORPSES OR ZOMBIES! SO DON’T BE AFRAID OF BLOOD BECAUSE IT GIVES US LIFE SO WE WON'T BE DEAD!

BLOOD IS A SPECTACULAR SHADE OF RED! IT ALSO SUSTAINS VAMPIRES!

IF WE DIDN’T HAVE BLOOD EVERY HORROR MOVIE WOULD BE BORING AND MEANINGLESS!

DONATE BLOOD TODAY AND RECEIVE FREE ORANGE JUICE AND A COOKIE AND MAYBE EVEN A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY! YOU ARE SAVING LIVES!

BLOOD IS SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE IN COMMON!

YAY FOR BLOOD!

A IS FOR ALCOHOL

A IS FOR ALCOHOL!

ALCOHOL IS AN INTOXICANT WHICH MEANS IT MAKES YOU FEEL FLUTTERY INSIDE AND ALSO MAKES YOUR DECISION MAKING SKILLS VERY SHARP LIKE A SABER! IT ALSO PROMOTES TRUTH TELLING AND SEX!

I LIKE ALCOHOL FOR ALL OF THESE THINGS AND BECAUSE OF THE ENDLESS VARIETY!

ALCOHOL COMES IN SO MANY SHAPES AND SIZES FOR ALL OF YOUR DRINKING NEEDS AND MOODS!

IN A HURRY? HAVE A SHOT OF TEQUILA!!

FEELING SUPERIOR? HAVE A GLASS OF EXPENSIVE WINE! THERE ARE TWO COLORS TO CHOOSE FROM!!!

WATCHING A SPORTING EVENT? CUDDLE UP TO A COLD BEER! YOU CAN DRINK IT IN A BOTTLE OR IN A CUP!

NEED TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS? BUY EVERYBODY A ROUND OF IRISH CAR BOMBS! FUN FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY!!!

ALCOHOL IS THE PERFECT BEVERAGE! YAY FOR ALCOHOL!!!!

EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES - NOT JUST YOU!!!

SOMETIMES THINGS GO WRONG IT'S OK!!!

LIFE IS A MYSTERIOUS AND FRAGILE JEWEL OF SPERM AND EGG - IT IS WEIRD!!!

IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG, DON'T KILL YOURSELF, JUST GET OVER IT!!!

YOU WILL BE A BETTER PERSON IF YOU CAN GET OVER IT!!!

FAILURES ARE WINNERS TOO!!! YOU ARE A WINNER BECAUSE YOU FAILED!!!

BLOGGERS ARE GREAT!!!

BLOGS LET YOU WRITE YOUR INNERMOST SECRETS IN A PUBLIC PLACE!!!!

THEY ARE A GREAT WAY TO GET THINGS OFF YOUR MIND!!!

THEY ARE A FANTASTIC WAY OF DEMOCRATISING OPINION AND GIVING THOSE WITHOUT A VOICE, A VOICE!!!

ANYONE CAN DO IT!!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

DO IT!!!



I WANT TO BE A BLOGGER!!!

GOOD JOB, SHIRT INSPECTORS!

HEY I WAS JUST PUTTING A SHIRT ON WHEN I NOTICED THAT IT WAS INSPECTED BY "NUMBER 47"!

GOOD JOB SHIRT INSPECTORS!

I AM GLAD YOU HELPED ME AVOID PUTTING ON A SHIRT THAT MAYBE HAD AN ALLIGATOR IN IT!

I AM GLAD I DIDN'T PUT THE SHIRT ON AND THE SHIRT HAD KNIVES INSIDE IT!

GOOD JOB SHIRT INSPECTORS!

I FEEL SAFE AND MORE READY TO DO MY JOB EFFICIENTLY AND COMFORTABLY!

GOOD JOB WALMART GREETERS

WALMART GREETERS LOOK AT YOU WHEN YOU WALK INTO WALMART.

GOOD JOB WALMART GREETERS!

WITHOUT YOU I WOULDN'T FEEL ALIENATED WHEN I WALK INTO A WALMART!

WITHOUT YOU I WOULDN'T REMEMBER THAT WHEN I AM OLD AND ABOUT TO DIE I CAN STILL WORK AT WALMART AS A WALMART GREETER!

WELL DONE COBBLERS!!

COBBLERS USE HAMMERS TO MAKE MOCCASINS AND BOOTS!!!

COBBLERS FIX OUR SHOES!

SHOES ARE NICE FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO WALK SOMEWHERE AND YOU PUT ON SHOES!!

DESPITE BEING PUT UNDER PRESSURE FROM CHEAP FOREIGN MERCHANDISES, MANY COBBLERS REMAIN ON OUR HIGH STREETS, HOPEFUL AND SANDWICHED BETWEEN THE LOCKSMITHS AND BUTCHERS!


I WOULD LIKE TO BE A COBBLER!

WELL DONE ONLINE LITSTERS

ONLINE LITSTERS ARE ESSENTIAL

WE NEED CAPS LOCK PRESENT TENSE IRONY (THE BEST KINDS)

"COOL BLOG"

COULD YOU:

GOOGLE YOURSELF EVERY DAY?
TAKE PICTURES OF YOURSELF WITH A MOBILE PHONE?
MAKE FUN OF COOKED MEATS?

MAYBE THIS IS THE CAREER FOR YOU

I WANT TO BE AN ONLINE LITSTER!!!

WELL DONE CHEFS!

CHEFS MAKE US HAPPY. CHEFS MAKE US GASSY.

CHEFS SWEAR, LIKE OUR FATHERS. CHEFS FEED, LIKE OUR MOTHERS. CHEFS DISSAPOINT, LIKE OUR LOVERS.

BECAUSE OF CHEFS, WE OPEN OUR MOUTHS. BECAUSE OF CHEFS, WE OPEN OUR MINDS.



I WANT TO BE A CHEF!

WELL DONE ARCHITECTS!!!

BUILDINGS ARE AN IMPORTANT PART OF MODERN SOCIETY!!

THEY ARE DESIGNED BY ARCHITECTS!!!!!

ARCHITECTS HAVE IMPROVED MY LIFE AND YOUR LIVES!!!!

WELL DONE ARCHITECTS!!!!!

I WANT TO BE AN ARCHITECT!!!

SUGGESTED NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

STOP DOING THE TINTERWEBS
STOP TYPING
EAT MORE
SUNSHINE
SUNBEDS
RUNNING ABOUT ON GRASS
MORE THOROUGH IRONING
STOP TALKING
PAY MORE ATTENTION TO PERSONAL HYGIENE/GROOMING
KILL BOSS
USE BULLET POINTS MORE
DRINK SLOE GIN (the drink of champions)

GET READY FOR THE NEW YEAR!!!!

THE NEW YEAR IS THE FUNNEST PART OF THE NEW YEAR!!!!

YOU CAN DRINK AND GO WITH YOUR FRIENDS TO NIGHT SPOTS!!!!

JUST REMEMBER TO HAVE ONE MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER AND WINE!!!

BECOME A PUKE FOUNTAIN!!!!

IMMENSE CAVITY OF HAPPINESS

A PAT ON THE SHOULDER IS A GOOD WAY TO SHOW ANOTHER PERSON YOU LIKE THEM AND APPROVE OF THEM!

HERE'S A TIP: MAKE SURE TO WASH YOUR FORKS AND KNIVES TWICE BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO TASTE YOUR FORMER SELF AND BECOME LESS EFFICIENT!

PLAY PEEK-A-BOO WITH AN UNFOLDED NAPKIN AND MAKE SOMEONE'S DAY MORE PEEK-A-BOOIER!

IF YOU ARE RETURNING A BOOK TO THE LIBRARY, PUT A LITTLE NOTE ON THE INSIDE THAT SAYS, "DON'T LET ANYONE JUMP ON YOUR FACE WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING BECAUSE THAT WILL HURT YOU!" BECAUSE SOMETIMES PEOPLE FORGET!

BEING HUNGRY IS A NORMAL PART OF LIFE!!!

YOU CAN CURE IT, WITH FOOD!!!

GORGE YOURSELF ON EVERYTHING YOU SEE AND SOON YOU WON'T BE HUNGRY!!!

AND IF YOU GET FAT YOU CAN HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY!!!!

KNIVES ARE VERY SHARP THESE DAYS!!!!

I AM AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL!!!

I AM THE ELEVENTH ONE. YOU CAN BE THE TWELFTH!!!

YOU NEED TO FIND A PERSONALITY!
YOU NEED TO LOOK AT A CAMERA!
YOU NEED TO WALK!



I AM VERY PRETTY!!!

REPEAT THIS MANTRA AT ALL TIMES!

"I AM THE BEST ONE EVER I AM GOD'S FAVOURITE LITTLE CHILD I AM DESTINED FOR WONDERFUL HAPPY THINGS THROUGHOUT MY FULL AND VARIED LIFE I AM LIKE TOM CRUISE IN 'THE COLOR OF MONEY' I AM LIKE MEL GIBSON IN 'LETHAL WEAPON 1, 2, 3, AND 4' I AM A GIGANTIC WINNER!"

HERE'S AN IDEA!

TRY GOING ON TIPTOES!

HEY! WOW! YOU’RE TALLER!!

HOW ABOUT A STEPLADDER?

TALLER STILL!!!

IT’S FANTASTIC TO BE TALLER!


YOU’RE A ROCK STAR!!!

MAKEOVER

WE HAVE HAD A MAKE OVER!!!!

THIS IS NOW MUCH EASIER TO READ!!!!!

ANYONE CAN READ IT!!!!!!


THAT IS A REALLY GOOD THING!!!!!

INCLUDE EVERYONE AT ALL TIMES!!!!!

MORNINGS ARE GREAT!!!

THE SOUND OF AN ALARM CLOCK IS JUST A WARNING THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE!!!

WEARING A BIB CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!

YOU ARE NEVER TO OLD FOR A BIB!!!

IT CAN PROTECT YOUR CLOTHES FROM FOOD!!!

DON'T LET FOOD RUIN YOUR FASHIONABLE CLOTHES!!!!

CHRISTMAS IS A FANTASTIC TIME!

IT"S A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO SEE YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OH YEAH!!!

OH YEAH!!!

OH YEAH???

OOOOOOOOOOOHHH YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

ISN'T IT HAPPY HOW WONDERFUL IT IS TO BE HAPPY?!

CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MANY CHANCES YOU GET TO SAY GOOD THINGS TO OTHER PEOPLE! TODAY I AM GOING TO SAY GOOD THINGS A BAJILLION TIMES!


I LIKE TO HIDE AROUND THE CORNER SO WHEN MY ROOMMATE COMES INTO THE ROOM HE THINKS NO ONE IS GOING TO SAY HOW LOVED HE IS, BUT THEN HE IS SURPRISED AND HAPPY WHEN I JUMP OUT!


I NEED A BIGGER HEAD SO I CAN THINK MORE GOOD THINGS!

WANT TO BE LOVED?!

IT'S EASY!!!

THESE PEOPLE LOVE YOU:



SO DO THESE PEOPLE:


(RIGHT NOW THEY'RE PLANNING A 'SUPER SURPRISE PARTY' FOR YOU!!)

SO DO THESE ANIMALS:



SEE?!! YOU HAD NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!!!!!

YOU ARE VERY, VERY POPULAR!!!

ENTERTAIN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!

NOTHING IS ON TELEVISION??!?!?!?!

DON'T WORRY - YOU CAN WATCH A DVD! THEY ARE NOT EXPENSIVE AND HAVE AN EXCELLENT QUALITY OF IMAGE!!!!!!

JUMP UP AND LET A STAR KNOW YOU LOVE IT BY GENTLY TOUCHING ITS BELLY IN A FRIENDLY WAY!

TODAY I AM GOING TO SMILE SOOOOOOOOOOO BIGLY THAT THE CORNERS OF MY MOUTH TOUCH EACH OTHER AND MY SMILE FORMS A GIANT HAPPY CIRCLE!!!

YOU DESERVE A BONUS FOR LOOKING NOT-DEAD AND NOT-UGLY!!!!

WELL I THINK WE SHOULD JUST PUT VELCRO ON OUR HANDS ALREADY BECAUSE I DON'T EVER WANT THEM APART!!!!!

WORK GETTING YOU DOWN!!!????

JUST QUIT!
OR TAKE A LONG HOLIDAY!
IT'S A GREAT WAY TO RELAX!!!!!

GET YOUR HANDS ON THE PRIZE! IT IS YOUR GOAL!

I AM MY OWN HERO!
I WILL BE A ROLE MODEL FOR MYSELF!
SUCCESS IS MY ONLY POWER!

1. "CLEAN SHOES"
2. "HAPPY FACE"
3. "FULL TUMMY"
4. "SUITABLE TIE"
5. "NO MAYONNAISE"
6. "SPARE PEN"
7. "SNAZZY HAIRCUT"
8. "EMAIL ACCESS"
9. "BE PREPARED"
10. "EXPECT LESS"
    

WHO IS THIS LITTLE GUY?!

THAT'S RIGHT -- IT'S YOU WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!!!!

DRINK A TEA AT LUNCHTIME!

DRINK A CUP OF TEA AT LUNCHTIME!! CHOOSE A BLACK OR WHITE TEA!

(YOU CAN PUT SUGAR IN TOO, IF YOU WANT!!!!)

IT IS WARM AND WILL 'KEEP YOU GOING'!

ALWAYS MAKE BREAKFAST!

DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY BREAKFAST FROM MCDONALDS?? MAKE YOUR OWN USING CEREAL AND MILKS!!!!!

ALWAYS HEALTHY FOR THE DAY!

LOOKING FOR A PARTNER?

JUST GO OUTSIDE AND MEET SOMEONE!!

IT'S EASY!

WATCH A HEARTWARMING FILM

WATCH A HEARTWARMING FILM AND FOCUS ON THE PROTAGONIST AND THINK, 'THAT'S ME, THAT'S MY LIFE, SOMEONE HAS FINALLY MADE A FILM ABOUT ME'!!!

EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO CAN BE LIKE ME

LOOKING FOR A PARTY?

HOST YOUR OWN! OR CLUB TOGETHER WITH SOME FRIENDS TO ORGANISE A VERY LARGE PARTY!!

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR OWN PARTY!

LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

EVERY DAY I LOOK AT MYSELF IT MAKES ME FEEL MORE AND MORE POWERFUL!!!

THE SECRET OF WINNING: RIGHT HERE

EVER THOUGHT YOU WERE TOO FAT/THIN. DON'T WORRY, YOU AREN'T!!!!

EVERY GUY IS NOT LOSING

WANT TO BE A WINNER? DON'T WORRY, YOU ARE!

NEW WRITING

IT'S EVERYWHERE!!! OH YEAH - SEEK IT OUT, YOU CAN BE A WINNER!!!

WINNER

I AM A WINNER

EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T THIS BLOG IS BORING